im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
