what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dick very happy bro
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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