Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
