I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
