went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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