just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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