my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
