Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize