Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
