I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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