Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
