one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
