im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
