If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
