alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
