Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
