My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
