you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
