the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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