He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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