I have demons in me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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