Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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