And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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