just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
