The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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