That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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