Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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