We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
