u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
