i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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