After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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