I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
