you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
