i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
