Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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