I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize