you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
