apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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