i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize