so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
