Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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