i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
