we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize