I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
