Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
