I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
