He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
