Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
