A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
