he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
