i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
