Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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