Screwed.edu
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
