Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize