the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
