I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
