Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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