why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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